want vs. need

a bowl full of uncertainty, regret, and fear.

i could think of better ways to start a saturday.

rather than letting those old nagging half-doubts get me down, though, i was at happy jack by 8:30, finally (finally) getting in my first xc-skiing of the season. at long, long last.

this morning i started at the headquarters trailhead, just past the lincoln-head rest center. the first quarter-mile or so was just a slog across ungroomed snow to get over to the top of the upper uw trail. really, i would've been faster through that section on the snowshoes. but there on the upper uw trail, on the first bit of slightly down-sloping gliding, i had a thought.

i've needed this.

i don't think of xc skiing as something that i need in my life, and i'm sure i could survive without it. but this morning, with my breath momentarily incorporating, condensing into white mist in front of me on a perfect february day, the feel of the snow sliding out of sight beneath me felt like returning home.

i don't know how to convey that feeling. maybe something like this can't be expressed fully--a solo ski outing, or raw music played with good people, or soaking in the hot springs, breathing in the steaming air, with snow falling around you. either you get it, or you don't. these are the moments that make life worth living, and--maybe--worth sharing.

and now: off to prom!