resolved

since my new year's eve was so quiet, I didn't make any resolutions before heading off to bed. maybe i feel like i've reached a stand-off point between my Theoretical "Best" Self and my Actual Imperfect Self and so I'm not all that interested in declaring war anew on those saboteur habits in my life which prevent my Best Self from emerging victorious.

plus, from year to year, my resolutions stay more or less the same. be more decisive. get up earlier and waste less time. acknowledge friends with more appreciation. make plans and follow through.

actually, though, what i want is a truce--less conflict and complication and confusion and frustration that there's so much distance between my TBS and my AIS. just finding a way to embrace what it is, where it is, seems like a pretty decent goal for this point in my life. an example: my job. i find that when people ask if i like my job, it's relatively easy for me to get sucked into describing the entire set of issues that complicate my attitude about my job. that explanation, of course, is followed by more description, of all of the possibilities that would be partial solutions. but, really, why bother with a big discussion of what could be? that's just a way to perpetuate the disparity between TBS and AIS.

not really sure what i'm getting at here, but i feel like i'm on the right track, somehow. guess that'll have to be enough for tonight. maybe what i'm saying is that this new year, i resolve to let myself be unresolved.

oh, deep, man. soooo deep.